pygmalion(bygeorgebernardshaw)
   acti
   coventgardenat11.15p.m.torrentsofheavysummerrain.cabwhistlelowingfranticallyinalldirectio.pedestriaruingforshelterintothemarketandundertheporticoofst.paul''schurch,wheretherearealreadyseveralpeople,amongthemaladyandherdaughterineveningdre.theyareallpeeringoutgloomilyattherain,exceptonemanwithhiackturnedtotherest,whoseemswhollypreoccupiedwithanotebookinwhichheiswritingbusily.thechurchclockstrikesthefirstquarter.
   thedaughter    [intheacebetweenthecentralpillars,closetotheoneonherleft]i''mgettingchilledtothebone.whatcanfreddybedoingallthistime?heeengonetwentyminutes.
   themother
   [onherdaughter''sright]notsolong.butheoughttohavegotusacaythis.
   abystander
   [onthelady''sright]hewontgetnocaotuntilhalf-pasteleven,mius,whentheycomebackafterdroingtheirtheatrefares.
   themother
   butwemusthaveacab.wecantstandhereuntilhalf-pasteleven.it''stoobad.
   thebystander
   well,itaintmyfault,mius.
   thedaughter
   iffreddyhadabitofgumption,hewouldhavegotoneatthetheatredoor.
   themother
   whatcouldhehavedone,poorboy?
   thedaughter
   otherpeoplegotca.whycouldnthe?
   freddyrushesinoutoftherainfromthesouthamptotreetside,andcomeetweenthemclosingadriingumbrella.heisayoungmanoftwenty,ineveningdre,verywetaroundtheankles.
   thedaughter
   well,havntyougotacab?
   freddy
   thereotonetobehadforloveormoney.
   themother
   oh,freddy,theremustbeone.youcanthavetried.
   thedaughter
   it''stootiresome.doyouexpectustogoandgetoneourselves?
   freddy
   itellyoutheyreallengaged.therainwaosudden:nobodywarepared;andeverybodyhadtotakeacab.ivebeentocharingcroonewayandnearlytoludgatecircustheother;andtheywereallengaged.
   themother
   didyoutrytrafalgarsquare?
   freddy
   therewatoneattrafalgarsquare.
   thedaughter
   didyoutry?
   freddy
   itriedasfarascharingcrotation.didyouexpectmetowalktohammersmith?
   thedaughter
   youhavnttriedatall.
   themother
   youreallyareveryhelple,freddy.goagaianddontcomebackuntilyouhavefoundacab.
   freddy
   isha

llsimplygetsoakedfornothing.
   thedaughter
   andwhataboutus?arewetostayhereallnightinthisdraught,withnexttonothingon.youselfishpig--
   freddy
   oh,verywell:i''llgo,i''llgo.[heopehisumbrellaanddashesoffstrandwards,butcomesintocollisionwithaflowergirl,whoishurryinginforshelter,knockingherbasketoutofherhands.ablindingflashoflightning,followeditantlybyarattlingpealofthunder,orchestratestheincident].
   theflowergirl
   nahthen,freddy:lookwh''y''gowin,deah.
   freddy
   sorry[herushesoff].
   theflowergirl
   [pickingupherscatteredflowersandreplacingtheminthebasket]theresmeersf''yer!te-oobanchesovoyletstrodintothemad.[shesitsdownontheplinthofthecolumn,sortingherflowers,onthelady''sright.sheiotatallanattractiveperson.sheierhaeighteen,perhatwenty,hardlyolder.shewearsalittlesailorhatofblackstrawthathaslongbeenexposedtothedustandsootoflondonandhaeldomifeverbeerushed.herhairneedswashingratherbadly:itsmousycolorcanhardlybenatural.shewearsashoddyblackcoatthatreacheearlytoherkneesandihapedtoherwaist.shehasabrowkirtwithacoarseapron.herbootsaremuchtheworseforwear.sheiodoubtascleanahecanaffordtobeutcomparedtotheladieheisverydirty.herfeaturesarenoworsethantheiruttheirconditionleaveomethingtobedesired;andsheneedstheservicesofadentist].
   themother
   howdoyouknowthatmyson''ameisfreddy,pray?
   theflowergirl
   ow,eezye-ooasan,ise?wal,fewddany''de-ootybawmzamathershould,eednowbetterntoawlaporegel''sflahrznthanranawyathahtpyin.willye-oopymef''them?[here,withapologies,thisdeerateattempttorepresentherdialectwithoutaphoneticalphabetmustbeabandonedasunintelligibleoutsidelondon.]
   thedaughter
   donothingofthesort,mother.theidea!
   themother
   pleaseallowme,clara.haveyouanypeies?
   thedaughter
   no.i''venothingsmallerthaixpence.
   theflowergirl
   [hopefully]icangiveyouchangeforataer,kindlady.
   themother
   [toclara]giveittome.[clarapartsreluctantly].now[tothegirl]thisisforyourflowers.
   theflowergirl
   thankyoukindly,lady.
   thedaughter
   makehergiveyouthechange.thesethingsareonlyapeyabunch.
   themother
   doholdyourtongue,clara.[tothegirl].youcankeepthechange.
   theflowergirl
   oh,thankyou,lady.
   themother
   nowtellmehowyouknowthatyounggentleman''ame.
   theflowergirl
   ididnt.
   themother
   iheardyoucallhimbyit.donttrytodeceiveme.
   theflowergirl
   [protesting]whostryingtodeceiveyou?icalledhimfreddyorcharliesameasyoumightyourselfifyouwastalkingtoastrangerandwishedtobepleasant.[shesitsdowesideherbasket].
   thedaughter
   sixpencethrownaway!really,mamma,youmighthavearedfreddythat.[sheretreatsindisgustbehindthepillar].
   anelderlygentlemanoftheamiablemilitarytyperushesintoshelter,andclosesadriingumbrella.heisinthesameplightasfreddy,verywetabouttheankles.heisineveningdre,withalightovercoat.hetakestheplaceleftvacantbythedaughter''sretirement.
   thegentleman
   phew!
   themother
   [tothegentleman]oh,sir,isthereanysignofittoing?
   thegentleman
   i''mafraidnot.itstartedworsethaneverabouttwominutesago.[hegoestotheplinthbesidetheflowergirlutsuphisfootonit;andstoototurndownhistrouserends].
   themother
   oh,dear![sheretireadlyandjoiherdaughter].
   theflowergirl
   [takingadvantageofthemilitarygentleman''roximitytoestablishfriendlyrelatiowithhim].ifit''sworseit''sasignit''earlyover.socheerup,captaiandbuyafloweroffapoorgirl.
   thegentleman
   i''msorry,ihavntanychange.
   theflowergirl
   icangiveyouchange,captain.
   thegentlemen
   forasovereign?ivenothingle.
   theflowergirl
   garn!ohdobuyafloweroffme,captain.icanchangehalf-a-crown.takethisfortuence.
   thegentleman
   nowdontbetroublesome:theresagoodgirl.[tryinghiockets]ireallyhavntanychange--stop:heresthreehapence,ifthatsanyusetoyou[heretreatstotheotherpillar].
   theflowergirl
   [disaointed,butthinkingthreehalfpencebetterthaothing]thankyou,sir.
   thebystander
   [tothegirl]youbecareful:givehimaflowerforit.theresablokeherebehindtakingdowneverybleedwordyouresaying.[allturntothemanwhoistakingnotes].
   theflowergirl
   [ringingupterrified]iaintdonenothingwrongbyeakingtothegentleman.ivearighttosellflowersifikeepoffthekerb.[hysterically]i''mareectablegirl:sohelpme,ineveroketohimexcepttoaskhimtobuyafloweroffme.[generalhuub,mostlysympathetictotheflowergirl,butdeprecatingherexceiveseibility.criesofdontstarthollerin.whoshurtingyou?nobody''sgoingtotouchyou.whatsthegoodoffuing?steadyon.easy,easy,etc.,comefromtheelderlystaidectators,whopathercomfortingly.leatientoneidhershutherhead,oraskherroughlywhatiswrongwithher.aremotergroup,notknowingwhatthematteris,crowdinandincreasethenoisewithquestionandawer:whatstherow?whatshedo?whereishe?atectakingherdown.what!him?yes:himoverthere:tookmoneyoffthegentleman,etc.theflowergirl,distraughtandmoed,breaksthroughthemtothegentleman,cryingwildly]oh,sir,dontlethimchargeme.youduowhatitmeatome.theylltakeawaymycharacteranddrivemeonthestreetsforeakingtogentlemen.they--
   thenotetaker
   [comingforwardonherright,therestcrowdingafterhim]there,there,there,there!whoshurtingyou,yousillygirl?whatdoyoutakemefor?
   thebystander
   it''sallright:hesagentleman:lookathioots.[explainingtothenotetaker]shethoughtyouwasacoer''ark,sir.
   thenotetaker
   [withquickinterest]whatsacoer''ark?
   thebystander
   [inaptatdefinition]it''sa--well,it''sacoer''ark,asyoumightsay.whatelsewouldyoucallit?asortofinformer.
   theflowergirl
   [stillhysterical]itakemybibleoathineversaidaword--
   thenotetaker
   [overbearingbutgood-humored]oh,shutup,shutup.doilooklikeapoliceman?
   theflowergirl
   [farfromreaured]thenwhatdidyoutakedownmywordsfor?howdoiknowwhetheryoutookmedownright?youjustshewmewhatyouvewroteaboutme.[thenotetakeropehiookandholdsitsteadilyunderhernose,thoughthepreureofthemobtryingtoreaditoverhihoulderswoulduetaweakerman].whatsthat?thataintproperwriting.icantreadthat.
   thenotetaker
   ican.[reads,reproducingherpronunciationexactly]"cheerap,kepti''bawyaflahrorfaporegel."
   theflowergirl
   [muchdistreed]it''ecauseicalledhimcaptain.imeantnoharm.[tothegentleman]oh,sir,dontlethimlayachargeagenmeforawordlikethat.you--
   thegentleman
   charge!imakenocharge.[tothenotetaker]really,sir,ifyouareadetective,youneednotbegirotectingmeagaitmolestatioyyoungwomenuntiliaskyou.anybodycouldseethatthegirlmeantnoharm.
   thebystandersgenerally
   [demotratingagaitpoliceeionage]coursetheycould.whatbusineisitofyours?youmindyourownaffairs.hewantromotion,hedoes.takingdoweople''swords!girlneversaidawordtohim.whatharmifshedid?nicethingagirlcantshelterfromtherainwithoutbeingiulted,etc.,etc.,etc.[sheisconductedbythemoresympatheticdemotratoracktoherplinth,wheresheresumesherseatandstruggleswithheremotion.]
   thebystander
   heaintatec.hesabloomingbusybody:thatswhatheis.itellyou,lookathioots.
   thenotetaker
   [turningonhimgenially]andhowareallyourpeopledownatselsey?
   thebystander
   [suiciously]whotoldyoumypeoplecomefromselsey?
   thenotetaker
   neveryoumind.theydid.[tothegirl]howdoyoucometobeuofareast?youwereborninliongrove.
   theflowergirl
   [aalled]oh,whatharmisthereinmyleavingliongrove?itwatfitforapigtoliveiandihadtopayfour-and-sixaweek.[intears]oh,boo--hoo--oo--
   thenotetaker
   livewhereyoulikeutstopthatnoise.
   thegentleman
   [tothegirl]come,come!hecanttouchyou:youhavearighttolivewhereyouplease.
   asarcasticbystander
   [thrustinghimselfbetweenthenotetakerandthegentleman]parklane,foritance.idliketogointothehousingquestionwithyou,iwould.
   theflowergirl
   [suidingintoabroodingmelancholyoverherbasket,andtalkingverylow-iritedlytoherself]i''magoodgirl,iam.
   thesarcasticbystander
   [notattendingtoher]doyouknowwhereicomefrom?
   thenotetaker
   [promptly]hoxton.
   titterings.popularinterestinthenotetaker''erformanceincreases.
   thesarcasticone
   [amazed]well,whosaidididnt?blyme!youknoweverything,youdo.
   theflowergirl
   [stillnursingherseeofinjury]aintnocalltomeddlewithme,heaint.
   thebystander
   [toher]ofcourseheaint.dontyoustanditfromhim.[tothenotetaker]seehere:whatcallhaveyoutoknowaboutpeoplewhatneverofferedtomeddlewithyou?wheresyourwarrant?
   severalbystanders
   [encouragedbythieemingpointoflaw]yes:wheresyourwarrant?
   theflowergirl
   lethimsaywhathelikes.idontwanttohavenotruckwithhim.
   thebystander
   youtakeusfordirtunderyourfeet,dontyou?catchyoutakinglibertieswithagentleman!
   thesarcasticbystander
   yes:tellhimwherehecomefromifyouwanttogofortune-telling.
   thenotetaker
   cheltenham,harrow,cambridge,andindia.
   thegentleman
   quiteright.[greatlaughter.reactioninthenotetaker''sfavor.exclamatioofheknowsallaboutit.toldhimproper.hearhimtellthetoffwherehecomefrom?etc.].mayiask,sir,doyoudothisforyourlivingatamusichall?
   thenotetaker
   ivethoughtofthat.perhaishallsomeday.
   therainhatoed;andthepersoontheoutsideofthecrowdbegintodropoff.
   theflowergirl
   [resentingthereaction]heogentleman,heaint,tointerferewithapoorgirl.
   thedaughter
   [outofpatience,pushingherwayrudelytothefrontanddilacingthegentleman,whopolitelyretirestotheothersideofthepillar]whatonearthisfreddydoing?ishallgeteumoniaifistayinthisdraughtanylonger.
   thenotetaker
   [tohimself,hastilymakinganoteofherpronunciationof"monia"]earlscourt.
   thedaughter
   [violently]willyoupleasekeepyourimpertinentremarkstoyourself?
   thenotetaker
   didisaythatoutloud?ididntmeanto.ibegyourpardon.yourmother''seom,unmistakeably.
   themother
   [advancingbetweenherdaughterandthenotetaker]howverycurious!iwaroughtupinlargeladypark,neareom.
   thenotetaker
   [uproariouslyamused]ha!ha!whatadevilofaname!excuseme.[tothedaughter]youwantacab,doyou?
   thedaughter
   dontdareeaktome.
   themother
   oh,please,pleaseclara.[herdaughterrepudiatesherwithanangryshrugandretireshaughtily.]weshouldbesogratefultoyou,sir,ifyoufoundusacab.[thenotetakerproducesawhistle].oh,thankyou.[shejoiherdaughter].
   thenotetakerblowsapiercingblast.
   thesarcasticbystander
   there!iknowedhewasaplain-clothescoer.
   thebystander
   thataintapolicewhistle:thatsaortingwhistle.
   theflowergirl
   [stillpreoccupiedwithherwoundedfeelings]heorighttotakeawaymycharacter.mycharacteristhesametomeasanylady''s.
   thenotetaker
   idontknowwhetheryouvenoticedituttheraitoedabouttwominutesago.
   thebystander
   soithas.whydidntyousaysobefore?anduslosingourtimelisteningtoyoursilline.[hewalksofftowardsthestrand].
   thesarcasticbystander
   icantellwhereyoucomefrom.youcomefromanwell.gobackthere.
   thenotetaker
   [helpfully]hanwell.
   thesarcasticbystander
   [affectinggreatdistinctionofeech]thenkyou,teacher.hawhaw!solong[hetoucheshishatwithmockreectandstrollsoff].
   theflowergirl
   frighteningpeoplelikethat!howwouldhelikeithimself.
   themother
   it''squitefinenow,clara.wecanwalktoamotorbus.come.[shegathersherskirtsaboveheranklesandhurriesofftowardsthestrand].
   thedaughter
   butthecab--[hermotherisoutofhearing].oh,howtiresome![shefollowsangrily].
   alltheresthavegoneexceptthenotetaker,thegentleman,andtheflowergirl,whositsarrangingherbasket,andstillpityingherselfinmurmurs.
   theflowergirl
   poorgirl!hardenoughforhertolivewithoutbeingworritedandchivied.
   thegentleman
   [returningtohisformerplaceonthenotetaker''sleft]howdoyoudoit,ifimayask?
   thenotetaker
   simplyphonetics.thescienceofeech.thatsmyprofeion:alsomyhoy.hayisthemanwhocanmakealivingbyhishoy!youcaotanirishmanorayorkshiremayhirogue.icalaceanymanwithiixmiles.icalacehimwithintwomilesinlondon.sometimeswithintwostreets.
   theflowergirl
   oughttobeashamedofhimself,unmanlycoward!
   thegentleman
   butistherealivinginthat?
   thenotetaker
   ohyes.quiteafatone.thisisanageofutarts.meegininkentishtownwith?0ayear,andendiarklanewithahundredthousand.theywanttodropkentishtowuttheygivethemselvesawayeverytimetheyopentheirmouths.nowicanteachthem--
   theflowergirl
   lethimmindhisowusineandleaveapoorgirl--
   thenotetaker
   [explosively]woman:ceasethisdetestableboohooingitantly;orelseseektheshelterofsomeotherplaceofworship.
   theflowergirl
   [withfeebledefiance]ivearighttobehereifilike,sameasyou.
   thenotetaker
   awomanwhoutteruchdepreinganddisgustingsoundshaorighttobeanywhere--norighttolive.rememberthatyouareahumaeingwithasoulandthedivinegiftofarticulateeech:thatyournativelanguageisthelanguageofshakeearandmiltonandthebible;anddontsittherecrooninglikeabiliouigeon.
   theflowergirl
   [quiteoverwhelmed,andlookingupathiminmingledwonderanddeprecationwithoutdaringtoraiseherhead]ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo!
   thenotetaker
   [whiingouthiook]heave!whatasound![hewritethenholdsoutthebookandreads,reproducinghervowelsexactly]ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo!
   theflowergirl
   [tickledbytheperformance,andlaughingiiteofherself]garn!
   thenotetaker
   youseethiscreaturewithherkertoneenglish:theenglishthatwillkeepherintheguttertotheendofherdays.well,sir,inthreemonthsicouldpathatgirloffasaducheatanambaador''sgardearty.icouldevengetheraplaceaslady''smaidorshopaistant,whichrequireetterenglish.thatsthesortofthingidoforcommercialmillionaires.andontheprofitsofitidogenuinescientificworkihonetics,andalittleasapoetonmiltoniclines.
   thegentleman
   iammyselfastudentofindiandialectand--
   thenotetaker
   [eagerly]areyou?doyouknowcolonelpickering,theauthorofokeacrit?
   thegentleman
   iamcolonelpickering.whoareyou?
   thenotetaker
   henryhiggi,authorofhiggi''suniversalalphabet.
   pickering
   [withenthusiasm]icamefromindiatomeetyou.
   higgi
   iwasgoingtoindiatomeetyou.
   pickering
   wheredoyoulive?
   higgi
   27awimpolestreet.comeandseemetomorrow.
   pickering
   i''matthecarlton.comewithmenowandletshaveajawoversomesuer.
   higgi
   rightyouare.
   theflowergirl
   [topickering,ashepaesher]buyaflower,kindgentleman.i''mshortformylodging.
   pickering
   ireallyhavntanychange.i''msorry[hegoesaway].
   higgi
   [shockedatgirl''smendacity]liar.yousaidyoucouldchangehalf-a-crown.
   theflowergirl
   [risingindeeration]yououghttobestuffedwithnails,youought.[flingingthebasketathisfeet]takethewholebloomingbasketforsixpence.
   thechurchclockstrikesthesecondquarter.
   higgi
   [hearinginitthevoiceofgod,rebukinghimforhiharisaicwantofcharitytothepoorgirl]areminder.[heraiseshishatsolemnly;thenthrowsahandfulofmoneyintothebasketandfollowickering].
   theflowergirl
   [pickingupahalf-crown]ah-ow-ooh![pickingupacoupleofflori]aaah-ow-ooh![pickingueveralcoi]aaaaaah-ow-ooh![pickingupahalf-sovereign]aaaaaaaaaaaah-ow-ooh!!!
   freddy
   [ringingoutofataxicab]gotoneatlast.hallo![tothegirl]wherearethetwoladiesthatwerehere?
   theflowergirl
   theywalkedtothebuswhentheraitoed.
   freddy
   andleftmewithacabonmyhands.damnation!
   theflowergirl
   [withgrandeur]neveryoumind,youngman.i''mgoinghomeinataxi.[shesailsofftothecab.thedriverputshishandbehindhimandholdsthedoorfirmlyshutagaither.quiteunderstandinghismistrust,sheshewshimherhandfulofmoney.]eightpenceaintnoobjecttome,charlie.[hegriandopethedoor].angelcourt,drurylane,roundthecornerofmicklejohn''soilshop.leteehowfastyoucanmakeherhopit.[shegetsinandpullsthedoortowithaslamasthetaxicatarts].
   freddy
   well,i''mdashed!